How to Find Your Libido

Many women confide that once children arrive, their sex life simply stops. And somehow, society treats this as normal.
To an extent, it is: in the weeks right after childbirth, having no desire for sex is natural. But if six months have passed
and intimacy still hasn't returned — that's worth paying attention to.

And the place to start isn't the body. It's the mind.

You have to be honest with yourself: if a couple who is nowhere near sixty-five has no sex life, that's a problem worth
solving. Sex can't simply be crossed off a packed schedule like an errand you didn't get to.

This isn't only about your marriage — though, of course, a lack of regular intimacy takes a toll on any relationship. It's
mainly about you.

Let me explain why a healthy libido matters so much.

Sexuality holds an enormous reserve of energy — creative energy, life energy, the very current that everything alive
runs on. When you deliberately look away from your own sexuality, you cut yourself off from that source.

What is sexuality, really? It isn't only about sex itself. It's about DESIRE — any desire. And every time you push aside
your own needs because they don't fit into a schedule of "wake up — get the kids ready — go to work — make dinner" —
you're quietly burying your own fire under sand.

Here's a short path out of the well-worn role of mother–cook–nanny–businesswoman, back to your original, vital, fiery
self.

Every day, ask yourself a simple question: "[Your name], tell me — what do you want right now? Name five things you
want."

The point isn't to rush off and fulfill every one of them immediately. It's to spend the day actually listening to yourself,
and to give yourself a place in your own schedule.

Once you have your list of five, look for anything you could realistically do today or this week. Give it priority — even if
that means the dishes wait, the house stays a little messier, or you skip a meeting. Yes, sometimes the meeting can
wait. Especially when what's on the other side of the scale is one of your own desires. Because you matter. And so do
the things you want.

Ask yourself this question every day. Keep a small notebook. Crossing off a desire once it's fulfilled becomes a small,
satisfying ritual — and over time, it reshapes how you relate to yourself.

Here's another point that matters just as much: stop seeing yourself only as a mother, and your partner only as the
father of your kids.

Let your imagination loose. Picture yourself as someone bold — a little wild, completely unbothered by what a woman is
"supposed" to be. Picture yourself walking down the street in a short dress and heels, turning heads, the kind of woman
men glance back at and keep thinking about long after.

Your job is to light a real fire in your own head — desire, want, heat — and keep feeding it with the kind of wishes you'd
normally never admit to, the shameless, unfiltered ones. Let yourself fantasize about being wild, insatiable — about
more than one man at once, if that's where your mind goes. At first, this might clash completely with how you see
yourself. That's the point. This is about breaking the chains that keep you from being fully, unapologetically you —
because sexuality is where individuality is actually born.

None of this means changing your real life, or that you need to act on any of it. It means getting to know your own
desires, all of them, and finally feeling at home in your own body.

You have five senses: hearing, touch, taste, sight, and smell. Every day, you owe it to yourself to bring real attention to
each one.

Hearing. Are you actually listening to what's around you — birdsong, a favorite song, your children's voices — or just
registering it in passing? Enjoying something isn't the same as mentally noting "oh, that's nice." It means listening
completely, without interrupting, judging, or narrating it to yourself at all. Today, try sinking fully into a sound — a
song, street noise, your kids talking — without letting your mind wander to your to-do list. Start with ten minutes; it will
feel surprisingly hard. You'll want to check out, get up, "get something done." Build the habit slowly and stretch the
time. The goal is to eventually hear, see, and feel with this kind of totality every day. That's what a real, unhurried life
actually feels like.

Touch. Your skin meets thousands of sensations every day, and you miss almost all of them because your mind is busy
with "important things." But nothing is more important than this body, right now — one day it will be gone, and
everything else will stop mattering with it. All that's real is the present, while you're alive in this body you've somehow
ranked fourth on your list of priorities. Set aside ten minutes a day to genuinely feel what touches your skin — clothing,
wind, your children's hands, the texture of ordinary objects. Get a massage now and then; it's an enormous source of
pleasure. Slowly extend this bodily awareness until it fills the whole day. It's possible. I live this way.

Taste. Turn off the TV at mealtimes, and put the phone away. Actually taste what you put in your mouth. Stop when
you're satisfied — catch the moment of enough. Let yourself eat what you genuinely want, rather than what habit
dictates. Expand your palate: watch a show about great chefs, get inspired by a good restaurant. You don't need to be a
great cook yourself — you just need to let yourself enjoy good food, wherever it comes from. What matters most is being
fully present for whatever's in your mouth.

There's a Zen story about a master named Gekko. Before he died, he asked for a cup of tea, took a sip, and said, "What
delicious tea" — then closed his eyes and passed peacefully. He wasn't waiting for a miracle. He was content simply
tasting his tea in his final moment. That's the essence of Zen: life is only ever what's happening right now. You don't
need anything extraordinary to make a moment magical — you only need to be fully inside it, without a single thought,
as if you'd just been born and were seeing the world through eyes that don't yet know how to think, only how to see.
This is both very simple and very hard, because we've spent our whole lives being trained to think, think, think — "and
what do you think about that?" The secret to real clarity is learning to quiet that stream, at least for a while. It won't
make you less sharp. If anything, your perception sharpens, and so does your judgment — because nothing is wiser than
intuition once it's allowed to surface, and it only surfaces through this kind of quiet, aware presence in life.

Sight. You may be missing your own life without realizing it.

Today, try looking at your children in complete silence — without looking away, and without letting thoughts like "that
shirt needs washing" or "I should be doing something educational with him" creep in. Sit with them for ten full minutes
— on the floor, at the table, on the couch — and simply, truly look at them. Don't let the dishes or your to-do list pull you
away for those ten minutes. Longer, if you can manage it. You'll be surprised: you've likely never seen your children
look so beautiful as they do when you watch them without thinking. A wave of love may open up in you — you might
even tear up. That's exactly when the heart opens. That's the real secret of love.

Smell. Chances are you only notice smells that are either unpleasant or obviously appealing, because most of the time
you're breathing shallow and on autopilot. Yet there are millions of scents around you that could become a source of
energy. Smell is a resource too — catch a scent tied to a happy memory, and for a moment you're flooded with that
same joy again. Breathe in on purpose, every day: your children, your partner, your food, your home — not just what
comes out of a bottle.

And now, something important. The female orgasm is another important phenomenon, no less valuable than the five
senses above, yet chronically overlooked by both men and women because of some fairly absurd cultural conditioning.

Life on earth depends on the male orgasm. The quality of that life depends on the female one.

It's time to rethink your relationship with your own body and pleasure — to get to know yourself again, without shame.
Take the time and privacy to explore your own body. If reading this brings up discomfort or resistance, that's a fairly
reliable sign you're living inside a script of shame. Getting out of it often starts with practicing diaphragmatic breathing
and the voice: people carrying shame tend to breathe shallowly and hold tension in the throat, which makes it physically
hard to voice a want out loud. And without the ability to ask for what you want, it's hard to build a life that actually feels
full. Start practicing deep, belly breathing, and try singing. Over time, the shame loosens its grip.

Day by day, as you practice this kind of aware seeing, breathing, taking-in, listening, and feeling of everything
described here, something in you will shift — a new way of sensing yourself and the world. You'll notice yourself
changing. Slowly, you'll stop being a reflection of your parents, and start becoming yourself.

There's nothing wrong with resembling your parents on the outside. But somewhere underneath, I suspect you'd rather
live a life that's entirely, unmistakably your own.
That's exactly what I wish for you. Start today.